I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
