I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
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