i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
