Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
