all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
