yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
