Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
