Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site