I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.