Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason