When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed