Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
