I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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