a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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