Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I believe in your delicious
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
