I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize