sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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