I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
