Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
