I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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