Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
