just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
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to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
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You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.