yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
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You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
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Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.