I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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