Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
