Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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