just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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