You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
