i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
