you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
