I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
