there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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