He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
