cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
