apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
