You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
