Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
