it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How external is "for external use only"?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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