South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
