i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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