Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she peed on how many people?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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