I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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