Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
