I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
