fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just forgot I was standing up.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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