You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
