there's paper in my vomit.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
