Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
