My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
