How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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