so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Did you just see the Batmobile???
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
