Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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