She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
