Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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