Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
