Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
