I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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