I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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