the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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