On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
