The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
