If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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