No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
